When that card gets handed around the office, it can be difficult to come up with some meaningful, pithy statement that summarises a relationship with someone you barely know. Here are some thought starters.

I will never have to use the bathroom after you again. Believe me when I say: this is the happiest day of my life.

Congratulations on lurching from one soul-sucking, pointless career to another. Keep this card as a memento that for one brief second you thought there might have been a glimmer of hope in the banal graveyard you laughingly refer to as your “career”.

p.s. can I have your cactus?

So I guess “sleeping with the boss” isn’t always a shortcut to career advancement? HAHAHAHA!

Thanks for all your hard work! You’ve been [QUICK, while they’re not monitoring me: they are keeping me prisoner against my will. You have to get out. Graham in accounting is spiking my drinks. This is not a joke, YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE] such a great colleague! All the best x

If it wasn’t for you, I would never have known where the staples are kept. I hate staples.

Steve buddy! Right now, you’re fantasising that this place will fall apart because you’re the only one who knows all the passwords. Well guess what? I found your list. I HAVE ALL THE PASSWORDS! SUCK IT, STEVE!

Best wishes for your new career.

Your cleavage is literally the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I will miss it. I mean you.

Let me be the first to say: I’m not really sure who you are.