No, you didn’t read it wrong. It’s Swedish! And that tiny greeting encapsulates the LickPop™ spirit. At LickPop™, we Do Things Differently.
As LickPop™’s newest employee (welcome!), you might feel like you’re a little out of your depth. That’s natural! LickPop™ can feel a little like stumbling into Narnia. On acid!*
This manual will get you up to speed, and you’ll be a Popper™ before you know it. Find a vacant cocoon in the Friend Shrub (located just past the cafeteria) and we’ll dive in!
*LickPop™ has a zero drugs tolerance policy.
The History of LickPop™.
Unless you’ve been hiding under a boring rock that’s been hiding under another, even more boring rock, you’ll know the legend of how Scot and Scottie started LickPop™. So we’ll skip ahead and leave the story to the historians. The LickPop™ historians, that is!
Note: employees should not read histories of LickPop™ from sources other than LickPop™. Employees found reading alternative histories will be instantly dismissed.
When you started here, you received your LickPop™ GoodieBag™. By now you’ve probably put on your beanie, your fingerless gloves, and your nose guard. But you’re still wondering: what does it mean to be a Popper™?
Well, it’s simple. LickPop™ means FUN! Our slogan is emblazoned on every available surface, and you better believe it! Every day, LickPop™ has something amazing to offer our Poppers™. Just check out a typical week:
Human Foosball! At 1pm ten lucky Poppers™ are selected to be strapped to huge poles that rotate randomly at high speed. Occasionally one of their limbs will hit a ball, and if it goes into the other team’s goal then it results in a point! Fun? We think so.
Human Foosball is located just past the cafeteria.
Slam Poetry! Poppers™ get their chance to read poetry out loud while experiencing a simulated car crash.
The Great LickPop™ Bakeoff! The most hotly (get it? Because ovens) contested part of the week. Can anyone beat Scottie’s spongecake? The last person who did was sent to do hard labour in Siberia! [Ed: this is actually true. Consider redacting this portion before publication]
Every Thursday afternoon you’ll hear a siren go off. Don’t be alarmed! (Get it? Because sirens) That’s the LickPop™ Fun Run siren! Poppers™ run through an obstacle course that changes weekly. You might encounter obstacles such as Wheel of Error, Huge Mistake Staircase, and Oh My God This Can’t Be Right maze.
Note: The weekly LickPop™ Fun Run is not optional.
It’s Friday - time to kick back, at the Meth Lab™! Scot and Scottie are huge fans of Breaking Bad, so we’ve re-created Walt and Jessie’s underground New Mexico laboratory in excruciating detail! Enjoy a sangria or taco - but watch out for the DEA!
The Meth Lab™ is located just past the cafeteria.
Family Visit! Enjoy the company of your spouse, children, even your parents. Pets are forbidden.
Sound like fun? When Scot and Scottie founded LickPop™, they were adamant that company culture be the number one priority. That’s why we’ve installed CCTV at every desk - to ensure everyone is living the LickPop™ Lifestyle™ at all times.
At. All. Times.
LickPop™’s Dress code.
Anything goes! We know that you express yourself through your clothing, and we want to see our Poppers™ feeling relaxed, confident, and comfortable. All we ask is that you wear beige, exclusively. Top to bottom. Beige. Otherwise, go nuts!
LickPop™ Management Structure.
At LickPop™, we don’t believe in hierarchies. We think everyone has a valid opinion, whether you’re a new employee, an old-timer, or a dog. So we’ve done away with the tired “vertical” management structure. But because we Do Things Differently, we’ve also done away with the predictable “horizontal” management structure.
Our management structure is a “torus”. A torus is a donut. Therefore, our management structure is a donut.
Senior executives are on the outside of the donut. New Poppers™ are sprinkled on top. Older employees tend to find themselves underneath the donut. Everyone else is inside the donut. The LickPop™ Donut Paradigm allows ideas to percolate through, around, over, and into the donut.
Now you know why our ideating sessions are called “DonutStorms™”! These take place in the DonutSphere, located just past the cafeteria.
Sometimes ambient coloured lighting, free snacks, and 24 hour whale song just isn’t soothing enough for some people. Disputes happen! We’re all human (for now, at least) and we make mistakes.
There are several steps to resolving a dispute:
Notify your Personal Dispute Resolution Counsellor. Usually this will be Brian.
Brian will set up a face-to-face between you and the Popper™ with whom you have a grievance. You’ll play rock paper scissors, and the winner (best of seven) will choose a Resolution Globe from the Resolution Bag.
The Resolution Globe will contain a Resolution Challenge for you to complete together. This could be as simple as assembling an IKEA bunk bed, or as complex as scaling Mount Everest without oxygen.
Depending on your Resolution Globe, you and your colleague will have between several minutes and several years to complete your Resolution Challenge.
In our experience, successfully completing the Resolution Challenge will ensure the dispute is put behind you. No-one need ever mention it again.
In the unlikely event that you have completed the Resolution Challenge and feel the dispute is not yet resolved, your Personal Dispute Resolution Counsellor (again, usually Brian) will select the most annoying one of you to be summarily dismissed.
Finally: A Message From Scot And Scottie.
Nothing is going to prepare you for the wild ride that is LickPop™. Some of our Poppers™ say it’s not like a job at all - it’s more like a lifestyle that you can never leave! Lol.
Please drop by and introduce yourself. Our office is located just past the cafeteria.
Scot and Scottie